February 17, 2013

I Just Made Her Birthday Cake

I'm often viewed as being so strong in the eyes of others that I find it hard to show my vulnerable side. Mostly because it makes me feel weak and I almost feel as if I am not allowed to cry, to show weakness, that there is just no excuse for me to do so whatsoever. It doesn't happen much, as I find myself to naturally be a very happy person. My cousin even jokes with me about naturally having the "F**k it!" attitude of someone who smokes marijuana. But I am still human, crying for me is a way to let it all go....and then pick up the pieces. My mother, who suffers off and on from extreme depression, once told me that it's OK for me to be depressed for 5 minutes, but for 5 minutes only or she would kick my a#$! She has a very unique way of expressing her love, you would have to be one of her children to understand her and her ways. But I found it to be true for me. It really worked for a long time!

I'm sure by now you're wondering "What the hell does this have to do with a birthday cake?". Well, just five minutes ago I was a blubbering mess (still so as I type) on my couch, eating Snickers ice cream straight out the carton. I usually become very emotional right before the birthday of one my children. My 8 year old daughter will be 9 soon. Truthfully, not until June. Normally the roller coaster of emotions does not begin until a few weeks beforehand, so maybe all of those crazy mixed up pregnancy hormones have finally arrived for a long vacation during my last trimester. But nonetheless, I can't help but think of how fast the time has passed. I swear I just gave birth to my little Queen (My 8yr old's nickname). I became even more upset when I realized all of the memories I wanted to create with her when she was younger, just did not take place. I was suffering from postpartum depression with my son (something I wasn't aware of at the time), I suffered from it with my oldest as well. Not to mention that during the first 6 years of her life I had no relationship with my mother whatsoever for a reason that I will not get into. I could not see past my financial situation at the time and the state of my relationships with several family members. ( I couldn't lie to myself anymore about who they are ). Part of my depression was due to the fact that I had moved to California from Texas and felt completely alienated without any of my former close connections. I noticed my five minute depressions happening more frequently and then suddenly lasting longer. I had completely forgot who I was before I even had a child. After years of watching me "go" my husband got fed up and said "I say this with love, but YOU need to get it together." Hence the name of this blog.

Somewhere in the middle of all these thoughts about my 8 year old, I realized that my 2 year old daughter is  turning 3 this March. That is when the water works really began! I mean, I JUST MADE HER BIRTHDAY CAKE!! She had just turned 2! She sat on my table next to her rushed homemade cake and was lit up with smiles! Thankfully, I had recognized what I had experienced in my past two pregnancies,  so when she was born I immediately took measures to enjoy my children and my life. It was shortly after her birth that I created this blog. I began working out, eating "clean", and whenever I felt an ounce of frustration....I got on the floor and played with my kids. They bring the back the glow on my face.

I am feeling better as I type. I mean, yes my eight year old is turning 9, and I'm sure I'll be a blubbering mess when she grows up and has her first date, leaves home, etc. Although I didn't get the chance to create certain memories for her while she was a toddler, I did create many beautiful memories for her and have plenty of time to create more. This is when she will really remember them anyway. I'm grateful that at eight years old, she really is eight....mentally! Although she has an advance vocabulary for eight, she is not trying to be older than her age. She even told me that she does not want to grow up. She plans to always live close to me. I hope so! FINGERS CROSSED!! LOL.

I have grown through my children. I have learned what kind of person I want to be and have worked on it. More so now than ever! Through my children, I have learned how to manage my emotions after giving birth. I have no worries this time around. I know without a doubt that I will be the best version of me (of this chapter) with the arrival of my son. No financial stress or relationships of any kind will interfere with my babies and the love I have for myself.

I know it may seem that my thoughts in this post are all over the place, but hopefully you all will realize that this post is a true reflection of my hormonal, blubbering self at this particular moment. The below family photos are a reminder that although we do not live a wealthy life (yet), we still have one filled with many riches.


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