June 29, 2010

More Than A Pacifier

Every since I became a mother and a wife, my life has become less and less about me. Sound familiar? For my first year of motherhood I was a working mother while my husband was in the Army. I worked between 60-80 hours per week (depending on the time of year). I loved my job, until I became a mother. I despised the guilt I felt everyday when it was time to leave my daughter. 

Shortly after she turned one we moved to California. My husband worked from home while I worked a forty hour work week. It was great! I felt I had a lot more time to spend with my child. However the feeling did not last long. Yes, I enjoyed spending more time with my daughter, but something was still missing. It took awhile for me to figure out what it was. I was missing a career. At the moment I was just some one's employee, mother, and wife. I served a purpose to many people. I did not have a purpose that was for, well, me. So for the next nine months I went to school and received my certification in television broadcasting. This of course meant that I was away from my daughter from 8am-11:30pm. Majority of the time she was sleeping when I left and when I arrived home. Sometimes my husband would let her stay up late so she could see me.

Shortly before I completed school, I became pregnant with our second child. My husband was working again, so he thought it would be best if I quit my job and focused on what I really wanted to do in my life. I have to be honest. I quit my job, but focusing on my goals went "out the window". I was consumed with my pregnancy and my daughter, and most of the time I was just out right lazy! I kept putting it off for "tomorrow".

After my son was born, I learned the true meaning of motherhood. He was a constant cryer (with me anyway). I couldn't put him down, not even while he was sleeping. Months later I somehow had him on a schedule that worked for me. I decided to start modeling (it was something I always wanted to do).

I had one problem....I was overweight (too the modeling world). SO WHAT!! I did not care....I was going to model no matter what. I felt that if I waited for everything to be perfect I would never do it. So I told myself I am going to model while I lose weight. I found some photographer who could help me start my portfolio. This what I ended up...

Man was I scared! I expected the photographers to laugh at me, or tell me I was too big too shoot. They did this for free after all! That did not happen at all! Instead, each and every single one of them provided me with great useful tips. I gained confidence and I learned that no matter what we look like there is room for just about anyone in the modeling world. I even did a maternity photo shoot...

My goal was to show the true image of motherhood (no photo shop here...lol)

Honestly, when I became pregnant with my third and final child I found myself in the same slump. After she was born it seemed that all I did was the bare minimum (feed the kids, minimal housework, etc). I was depressed. It could have been postpartum depression, but it was not a good fit for me. One day, when my husband was home, he noticed that majority of my time was spent nursing the baby. If I was not nursing her, then I was simply holding her and she is not the type of baby who cries when someone puts her down (she allows me to get a lot done). When my husband took notice of this he said to me "Baby, no disrespect, but you are more than a pacifier, you need to get it in gear.". I was mortified that he noticed, but he was right!

But what did I have to "get in gear, exactly"? I needed to decided what would truly make me happy. Here is my list: get in shape, work for myself, master motherhood as much as possible, become a published author, and model.  At first I thought this is going to take up a lot of my time, and I was worried about being selfish. I mentioned my concerns to my husband and he reminded me that if I am not happy, our children will not be happy. I needed to finally take care of me, even if it meant saying "NO" to his request.

I use to believe that being a mother meant giving up selfish ways. However, there is a problem with that way of thinking; everything makes you feel selfish when you become a mother. When I work, I feel guilt for not spending enough time with my kids. When I am not working, I feel guilty about the lack of income. If I shop for myself I feel guilty because I think this is money that can be spent on the kids. Bottom line, when I started doing stuff for myself, I realized that I still had plenty of time to spend with my children and they were happier!! 

Please do not be afraid to do whatever your dreams are! I do not care how old you are! I am almost thirty and I modeling! Get it together, Domina!!


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